I'm sharing this because I suspect I'm not the only one who's ever done anything like this, and not the only one who's had ambivalent feelings about it.
I had a very good summer of shows. I got into some top shows, my paintings generally sold well, and I enjoyed myself. I did 25 shows between February and September, and honestly, I was exhausted.
In September, the dog of my heart died. She had liver cancer, and I had to euthanize her. This broke my heart and left me truly sad, deep inside. Two weeks afterwards, I rallied to attend a plein-air paintout in which I'd been invited to participate. I wasn't up to being social, but I painted and met nice painters, and enjoyed myself. The sadness ebbed.
Right afterwards, I headed to Dayton, Ohio, for a show. I had a cheap Air BnB rental ($42 for an entire house), so I got there early, to rest and finish my taxes before starting the show. On Thursday, my husband called to tell me that another of our dogs had died.
I went home. Canceled out of the show (lost my booth fee, even though the show called someone from the wait list to take my place, but OK). I simply could not face people, could not interact, could not engage.
A month later, I realized I just needed a dog. I'd been painting, I'd been gearing up for my final three shows, in Texas, but I was still sad. Still lacking energy, drive, hope. My husband found a rescue dog who looked good, so I met her on my way to Texas and made arrangements to pick her up on the way home.
I got to Texas and drove to my first show, Huffhines Art Trails, in a total downpour. Cars were off the road the entire way. It poured, thundered, lightninged, and the show was canceled. I looked ahead to the weather and saw that hurricane-driven rain was predicted for the next weekend, too, when I was scheduled for a show in Houston.
So there I was, stranger in a strange land, and all I wanted was to go home. I was tired. Spent. Staying with strangers who were nice, but with whom I couldn't be myself. I tried a couple different things, went to Austin (unbeknownst to me, there was a Formula 1 racing event there that weekend, traffic was horrible, there were no rooms to be had). I tried to paint, but everywhere I could have gone, it was raining. I thought about heading to Arizona to see my dad, but he was away for the week. Nothing worked. Nothing felt right.
Finally, I just decided to go home. Blow off my two remaining shows, lose the booth fees, just check out.
The moment I made the decision, my world righted itself. I headed east, got my little dog (photo below), and am happily, safely at home.
I've since felt tremendous guilt about skipping those shows. I've felt that if I were really a tough, serious fair-going artist, I'd have stuck it out. But I have also felt tremendous power and freedom in my decision. One reason to work for yourself is to do just what I did, not work when I really, truly, in my heart didn't feel like working.
Of course I worry about the money, but there were no guarantees that those other Texas shows would have been good ones for me. I have commissions to paint, I have a project to start, and people have begun to call me asking to buy the paintings I still have.
I really wanted to share my experience, even though I suspect some artists might deride me for my decisions. It was hard to make these choices, but they were the right ones. And maybe my experience will help someone else.
ps, Hi, Connie!
Comments
Christina, we don't know, but I think she must be. Maybe Corgi/golden mix?
Love it! Is Koko part Corgi?
Kathleen, thank you for your kind note, and your support, and sharing the story of Blackjack. I do think the right animals make their way into our lives at the right time, and Blackjack is sure an example of that. Koko, too! She's having a ball here at home, and I am loving having her. It's going to be a while before she's a real studio dog (right now, she's teething, biting everything and running/playing until she drops - but she'll grow into it). Here's another photo of her with Abby, her playmate and heroine.
Carrie, our hearts go out to you for your double loss. Two of your "babies" so soon~I cannot imagine the pain! Our animals are loved no less than kids would be~they ARE family. I haven't met you, but by your blogs I can tell you are a very sensitive, kind, & fun-loving person~all the things that animals LOVE & NEED. KOKO is so precious~look at those eyes~she is so happy~ she looks like she's SMILING!! Why shouldn't she~she has YOU! You never replace an animal, BUT she will add a whole new world for you. We are so glad you're enjoying her as she needs you just as much as you need her. As far as the shows, you made the RIGHT decision. You needed to heal, & you will be as time go by. I know when my animal is sick, my creativity is down the drain! We had to put 2 cats down within the last year, so I can feel your pain...We have one cat left. We found him 8 yrs. ago in Iowa on the way to a Omaha show. We saw him in a Walmart parking lot on a cold, windy rainy night. We got out of the van & he came up to us meowing like crazy! We picked him up~asked the Mgr. inside if he knew who's cat he was or if he knew how long he was there & he told us that he has been hanging around in the landscape section outside for almost a year & one of the employees is going to shoot it pretty soon because he was sick of listening to him meow! That was it~there was NO WAY we were going to just leave him there! This was just after we unloaded our van for a 4-day show. We went in, bought cat supplies, fixed up the van for him, & BLACKJACK has been the BEST cat we have ever had! Carrie, I want you to know that he is next to me right now & he wants to "thank you" for bringing a dog into your loving home~one that needs you just like BLACKJACK needed us~take care.
So sorry for your losses Carrie. The only show that I should have cancelled but didn't was the weekend after we had to put our 12 year old cat down. It was miserable and I don't make money when I'm miserable. You made the right choice.
Thanks, Jacki. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I don't think it matters how long ago you lost your pet - they are part of the family, so the loss is always with us. And yes, losing two pretty much put me over the edge. It was my inability to even begin recovering that made me decide that I needed a dog, and shouldn't wait for the "right" dog to come along. A dog I could love would be the right dog, because she would help me heal, help me find joy again. And she has. Right now, Koko is at my feet, alternately ripping up a piece of cardboard, biting at my toes (teething! argh!) and playing with Abby, her big friend. And my heart is light.
Carrie, I am so sorry that you lost 2 dogs and so close together. Losing one is hard but 2, that would have put me over the edge. I lost the best cat in the world 2 summers ago. It took me a long time to get used to it. I still miss him more than anything. I missed having a cat but we are gone so much I hated to leave a cat locked up in here all alone. Plus, I just wasn't getting over the death. Just recently someone showed me a cute little kitty that showed up at their house and it looks like my old cat. Not sure I can convince my hubby to take in another furry family member. He isn't really into pets. I guess we will see what happens.
Your little doggie is so cute. He looks very content sitting right there next to you. It is good to take some time off and get to really know your new little dog. And thanks for sharing.
As a dog lover/owner I would have done the same thing, Carrie. We've lost three dogs and I still think about them regularly...it never really goes away, we carry them with us wherever life takes us. Thank you for sharing your story with us, you followed your heart and did the right thing and the fact that business is coming in despite the show cancellations validates your decision. Wishing you continued success and healing...
You did what was right for yourself. Your feelings of relief after the decisions were made show you were correct.
My goodness, could Koko be any cuter. She isn't a replacement, she is an addition to your family. Enjoy her.
And Savina, thank you for your comment, too. We have no shared kids, Peter and I, though we have a grown daughter from his first marriage... Our dogs are our family now, and it's a great family! I understand your decision completely, and applaud you for it. Koko is a great addition, and is helping me not to forget the ones who died, but to be able to remember them with joy and a smile and gratitude for the time I had with them.
-
1
-
2
-
3
of 3 Next