OK, nobody sent me the can of spray, so we took Barry to dinner and had a delicious
conversation. So we decided to be history-making on this site by doing the first duo blog live between two AFI icons, at least in our own minds. So, from this point on the rules are: I get to ask Barry a question, he answers, then he asks me. If you got nothing better to do, read on. Who knows we all might learn something.
Barry: So Nels, you are such a lamer, where did you learn to type? Nels types with 2 fingers.
Nels: Barry, when you have had three vodka martinis, and a bottle of wine at Berninis, you are lucky if you can even find the keyboard. I flunked basic typing in high school, but I did get laid by the teacher.
Nels: So Barry, how long have you had this curious affectation for blonde women who begin websites?
Barry: (after 4 or is it 5 martinis?). I take the fifth!!
Barry: Nels were you always this funny? Tonight has been a laugh riot.
Nels: I could reply better if you got out of the way of my left hand, this is internet encrochment, Barry, i expected better manners out of a boy from Marquette--oh, that's right you are not really from there. You throw a mean pastie. Where did you come from originally. Enjoy this, it is the only softball you are going to get from me tonite, not bad for a two-fingered hand-pecker, eh boy.
Oh Barry, thank God my english teacher is not diagramming this sentence.
Barry: You'd throw better if you used your left hand. Take it out of your pocket. Next time I'm going to bring frozen pasties. I'm from De-troit so watch your back, mofo.
Nels: So Barry let's get serious, enough of the softies--what I want to know is this--when you roomed with Munks, what color undies did he wear? Curious minds need to know.
Barry: Munks wears underwear? It must have been a special night. And, what was he wearing at the Uptown show?
Nels: Ok Barry, enough, here is a real toughie. You aint doing shit in Florida shows so far, so when are you coming over to the dark side? Will your photos be on canvas, or will you step outside the box and maybe do then pastie-encrusred? MaryAnne might like that a lot--you might even get in ahead of Jack or Sir Jim from Naples.
Barry: Nels, every time you go into another room, I get out my trusty I-phone and capture all your images. I hear that's the way you do it. I think photos on canvas is the way to go. I went out and bought staples, from Staples and I'm all set. After all, the best artist is the one who sells the most and I can get at least $30 for each of those photos. I want to be successful. Maybe I'll even win all the "best of shows."
Nels: Have another puff Barry, that is so fishy. To be essentially within oneself, you must wrap your imagination amongst sweet-potato hogfish. the cream will run down the stream.
Barry: Huh? Speak English. So Nels, now that you've exhausted all your ideas, what's next for you? Are you going to try another medium? You know you would make a pretty good wine taster.. On second thought, you'd probably get fired for opening all the bottles and tasting the contents.
Nels: As long there are bathrooms to shoot before Fulwiler and Sargant I am golden. If they catch up to me, then I am just going to do Golden Margaritas at art shows and not worry about competition. In reality, I can never, ever, asay a bad word about Bill, he is a prince.
Nels: It sure is hard remembering whose question leads off first. So here goes. Is there life after art shows, or do you just cop out and die in your booth and let somebody else pile it into your van, and then wait for the paramedics to revive you? Worked for Alan Teger at the Deco Show in the 80's. God bless he is still around.
Barry: I have this one figured out. I'm going to die in my studio. After 5 or 6 days someone will ask the question: "Where's Barry?" They'll follow the smell.
Barry: So Nels, what's your next show(I hate when they ask me this question).
Nels: I always take the easy way out, I just say I live in the moment--I don't need no stinking art shows.
Barry: "...stinking art shows. Do you know what you are referencing?
Nels: Eh Barry, this is a Cheech and Chong moment--everybody knows what I know, even if I don't know what I know.
Barry: Do I have to teach you everything? The actual phrase is "Badges? We don't wear no stinking badges." The original is from "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" and Mel Brooks stole it for a line in "Blazing Saddles" one of my all time favorite movies.
Barry: What's your favorite movie?
Nels: First off, you are one crazy misplaced mid-westerner. Fricking "badges." Eh, when did you move to Wisconsin? I am a Humphry Bogart kind o guy with a little Alan Ladd thrown in with a little dose of Micky Rourke.
Nels:Since we starting to throw hardballs,Barry, here comes a toughie(oh I gotta take a leak, be right back with a goodie)
Barry: Bring it on Nelsy boy. What was the name of that movie with Mickey Rourke and Eric Roberts? It's the one where they cut off Eric Roberts thumb for being a wise guy.
Nels: Barry, have another shot of tequila--keep it on thread--let's get back to reality. After art shows, what's left for a guy fromMarquette, Michigan? are you going to be a show promoter? Lots of role-model s out there. You could go in the week before an established show and do your own, seems to work for some people. Or you could start shows and stand up in a big tower and yell commands at all the underlings, that seems to work south of Englewood. Or you could strut around and cut them all off at their balls like some do down that way too. Or you could be "King barry." What model fits your style? Curious minds need to know, we don't care if we never get into another art show. See tags, Nels.
Barry: After art shows I thought I would hang out in Boca Grande and meet a rich widow. If that doesn't work I could go into producing shows. All my shows would be in the same town as a major show except I would have mine the week before. That makes sense to me. At first I would charge a small show fee and have large prizes. As my shows became more in demand, I would triple the booth fee, cut the prize money, and charge admission. Did I mention that I would have 2 porta-potties for 300 artists? And, let them drink tap water.
Nels: Here is the real hardball, I have been waiting all evening to ask. If I buy you breakfeast and feed you more tequila, can you blow into Connie's ear and get me into Arts, Beats and Eats? I know you have certain knowledge that I would love to tap into.
Barry: Sure, but only if I get to sleep on your couch tonight. I've had too much tequila to drive anywhere.
Nels:You are right, Connie only wants real artists. That leaves most of us out. You are a real moocher.
Barry: After seeing that picture of the crowds that Connie posted yesterday, I probably won't get in either. We'll have to start that other show on the same date. We will call it the Sir Richard Alan Upper Naples art Street Buy-Sell Extravaganza in Ferndale.
That's all folks, we are out of tequila. Aloha, Nels and Barry.
